Mom: a work in progress

I did not ease into becoming a mom. When Channing was born, I remember not wanting to leave the hospital. I was terrified to go home. I couldn’t stop crying ALL OF THE TIME and I didn’t even know why I was crying, which only made me cry more. I saw photos of friends with sleeping newborns looking so peaceful, breastfeeding like champs, and simply glowing as a new mom. I was a wreck. I didn’t want to leave the house or do much of anything. I remember one day I went to Target for 30 minutes and couldn’t even buy anything because I was just so stressed the entire outing. The one trip wore me out and I wondered how parents just went and did things with a sleeping newborn attached to them. Why couldn’t I do that?? I was not good at this.

Channing wouldn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time and I felt constantly on edge. I was more tired than I had ever been before. I wasn’t able to breastfeed, and I had no clue what to do with a newborn. I remember one day when Channing was only weeks old, sitting outside on a swing, just the two of us, and me looking at him and whispering, “I’m so sorry you got stuck with me. I want to be a good mom, but I’m not sure I know how. I’m not even sure I want to be one at this point. I didn’t know what I was in for, but here we are buddy. I sure hope we make it!” I was sobbing. I couldn’t stop. It wasn’t happy tears. I was sad, scared, tired, and feeling very overwhelmed.

As the months passed, I started to feel more normal. I started medication, I went back to work, and Channing started sleeping! I still didn’t know why it seemed so “hard” for me to be a mom. It wasn’t easy… it wasn’t the simple flip of a switch that I imagined it would be. I was learning as I went and it was a slow process.

Once Channing turned 1, I knew the things that were so hard for us didn’t seem as hard for some other families. Channing didn’t do well going on outings. It was hard and exhausting. He was never ever still. At home, it was just easier. We could keep him occupied in a safe space. He loved to be strolled for hours or ride in the car. As long as we were moving, everything was fine. I kept thinking it was me. It’s because I was so sad when he was first born. It’s because I didn’t know what to do. It’s because we don’t have that “breastfeeding bond.” I just knew I was to blame.

I ended up leaving a job that I loved because I felt like I was failing as a parent. I never felt like I was doing enough for Channing and I was to blame for his lacking of talking and difficulty in certain situations. Then we got our autism diagnosis (it wasn’t that easy, but there’s a full blog post here on that process). Was this my fault?? Did I do something wrong? Should I have known this sooner? Once again, I wondered what on earth is happening and why does it always seem so hard?

Fast forward 4 years later… I found myself pregnant again. I was so scared. Would I be able to love and care for two? We brought home London and I knew (loosely) what to do. She slept a lot. Which was pretty amazing, but also made me think something was actually wrong with her. Little did I know, this is just what some newborns do! It was peaceful. She was so still I almost couldn’t believe she was real. I kept asking if this was normal because it felt so different.

With the second, I didn’t feel like I had time to be sad. I had Channing to take care of and London felt “easy” compared to what I remember from Channing. I thought maybe I have this mom thing down. Then London became a toddler. I wasn’t prepared for the blatant defiance, and the way I would have to pivot my parenting for both of them.

Now I’m back to wondering how to do this better, and why doesn’t it come naturally to me? I’m still very much learning every single day. People read my posts about Channing and say “you’re such a good mom” and while no statement means more to me, I want to be the first to say this did not happen overnight. I had to work at becoming a mom. I had to teach myself to look for the joy, to not dwell on the autism diagnosis, and to not force things no matter how bad I wanted them. As Kate Swenson mentions in her book “Forever Boy” (I’m paraphrasing here): “People will say all the time that only special parents are given a child with special needs. But that is far from the truth. Children with special needs MAKE special parents.” THIS. This is the truth. Channing and London MAKE me the mom I am and for them I will continue to be the best mom I can be. I’ve still got a ways to go!

Here’s to the moms! The one’s struggling to find their way, the ones still wanting to one day be given the title, and the ones who just fall into the role seamlessly. You’re all amazing. I am still growing at this whole mom thing. I learn something new every day but I know one thing is for sure… I live for them. I’m only whole when I have them both in my arms and I’ll never for once take a day with them for granted.