When I get sad, I like to write. Which seems to be the common theme in my blog posts. By the time I finish writing, I am reminded of the many things I have to be thankful for, and end up feeling better. So… right now, I’m feeling sad. I don’t write that to say “pity me.” I am writing this to all the other autism mamas out there to say, “I am here, feeling sad, right alongside you.” I know I am not alone in my sadness but also so sad that others feel this way too.
I’ve been feeling this way for a few months, but it especially hit when Channing turned 5. Five is a big age… it’s a great age. For “neurotypical” children it means talks of Kindergarten; some may show interest in sports or other recreational activities, many will have a few “best friends” and classmates, and several will talk to their parents about what they want to “be when they grow up.” Five did not bring us any of that. Five brought me up late googling “child not talking by age 5”, “best special needs kindergarten in my area” and “communication device for a nonspeaking 5-year-old.” My heart hurts.
A mama who found me on instagram sent me a message last night and said her son was just diagnosed with autism and she was trying to come to terms with what that meant. Her message said, “I feel hopeless and sad at the life he won’t be able to live, and I want to figure out a way to focus on the positives. Is there a day I can look forward to when having an autistic son can just be “normal” versus the feeling of despair I feel now?” It hit me hard because I wanted to say, “you got this mama, everything will be a-ok! It’s hard now, but it’ll get easier!” But I can’t lie to her and pretend things are easier now than they were on that day 3 years ago that we received Channing’s diagnosis. I am stronger, but things aren’t okay, they aren’t easy, and they certainly aren’t “normal.”
I told her that I really wish I could say there is a time when it will feel “normal” — but I haven’t gotten there yet. I told her that I have hard days and moments of complete heartbreak and despair and don’t see them going away any time soon. My only advice to her was this… there will be times of progress, real progress, and even though that progress may be oh, so small, those moments will give you strength to get to the next moment just like it. Your child will flash you a huge smile just when you need it most, and that will give you the hope you need. He will come to you and grab your face and look deep in your eyes and you’ll know… you’re doing all you can. I told her to focus on their happiness and if they are happy, then that’s all that matters. They don’t know a world any differently than the world they are living in. They aren’t suffering. He isn’t the one who is sad and broken-hearted. That’s on you. So you pick yourself up and you keep going. And when you need someone to talk to, I’ll be here.
And if you’re a mama that needs someone, just know my heart is with you. We got this. Now go hug your babies tight and thank God for the perfect little humans they are.
channing's joy 
Dearest Lauren….. your writing is amazing, but your honesty is even better. My heart aches when I read this because I wish there was a way to take your sadness away, but I know I can’t. I admire you so much and can only say that what you write is certainly a comfort in its own way to other moms like you. Keep finding the joy in the
Little things, Lauren. I love seeing all the pictures of Channing. He is a special young man. ❤️
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Beautifully written, Lauren. You amaze me with your honesty and openness! I know why God chose you to be Channing’s mom. I just think of the moms you have inspired by messages like this one!
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Your thoughts, heart and emotions are raw, honest, insightful and filled with love. I know your words pick other Momma’s up and help them take their next step. They also educate and enlighten all of us who read them. Channing is a beautiful child and oh so fortunate to have you and Chad as his parents.
Thank you for sharing “Channing’s Joy” with all of us! With love, Lisa
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I just love you and admire your courage and inner strength. I know your words are touching many and are a comfort for and council to others who are walking your same path. I wonder if you realize what a gift you are sharing.
Biggest Hugs from me to you❤️
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Lauren, I sent this message to Chad a few months ago but I’m not sure he received it so wanted to share again…This is a text I received from my cousin who has the twin grandsons with Autism. They moved their family from Shelby to Raleigh in order to receive the services their boys so desperately needed. You were so generous with your donation when we had the fundraiser a couple of years ago and I wanted to share so you could see the amazing and wonderful progress they have made and to know that anything is possible. Sorry It’s long… “April 2021 is Autism Awareness Month again. April 2, 2021 is International Autism Awareness Day. This year, for the first time in several years, I’m not doing any type of fundraising during this month of awareness… because I don’t need to! Sadly, our boys did not get selected in the lottery to attend the spend the night camp this year that they attended last year. But it’s okay…. Gigi and Poppy have promised to take them for at least one week of “camp” this summer so Mommy, Daddy and Baby Teagan can have some time alone. You guys have always been faithful supporters of our boys so I wanted to give you an update on how the Lord continues to bless and how well they’re doing after FOUR years of really hard work that began with Miss Steffi at Jefferson Elementary School here in Shelby and continued in Raleigh with many different therapists.
First, Elliott has been released from the ABA Therapy he received through the NC Autism Society as of December, 2020. As of last week, his Occupational Therapist told me when I took him, she would be contacting Natalie about discharging him from their services as well. A Physical Therapist works with him, fitting braces for his feet periodically. They suffered from Cooper pushing in him when Nat was pregnant so he wears shoe braces to relieve his pain. He will continue working on his pronunciation and enunciation of his words with his speech therapist but he speaks fluently and continuously!! He is an active swimmer (he was actually swimmer of the month in March, 2021 at his Gold Fish Swimming School) and enjoying basketball at the Y. He loves to ride his bike and creates imaginative crafts with his construction paper. Legos are his jam!!! He rides his bike and his scooter allowing his imagination to take him to places he can not go… he’s Spider-Man…. Captain America…. the Hulk….He runs and jumps and plays with his friends from school and in his neighborhood. He is a really cool precious gift from God “kid” who excels as a typical kindergartener in Mrs. Prickett’s class at Aversboro Elementary School where he has a friend Logan and a “girl” friend Bonnie. He and Cooper recently celebrated their 7th birthdays at the trampoline park Defy Apex with their friends and family. Life is good for this little guy and he owns his own special corner of my heart. The progress he’s made in the past 4 years is incredible! Many prayers were answered with his progress.
The silent disengaged Cooper of 4 years ago is no more. He loves playing with Miss Sarah, his very special God chosen ABA tech who works with the NC Autism society. We are so thankful for her and for Miss Erica who has directed his therapy for the 3 years they’ve been in Raleigh. Cooper now verbalizes his requests with multiple word sentences of sorts. For example I might say “I” then he’ll say “want cereal.” He looks into our eyes when he talks to us. He is trying different foods from the 5 of the past several years. He will now drink out of different cups instead of just the orange cup with a blue top he’s used his entire life. This is so huge! And this is the result of him having 40 hours of intensive ABA therapy these past 3 years in Raleigh. He has absolutely no problem saying “no! stop!” Which is fine with us! Our big goal has been potty training. He is 100% tinkle trained and about 70% poopie trained. Yay!!! He can and will get it!! He must be in control with this as with all things. He is the happiest kid I’ve ever met. Cooper is in Mrs. Riviera’s remote kindergarten classroom at Bryan Road Elementary School. He is killing it in kindergarten! Natalie was pleased to find out that Mrs. Riviera will be with him through I believe 2nd grade, when Mrs. Riviera and a couple of his other teachers came to visit him and bring his gifts on his birthday. He can do everything the other children do. Super smart!! Loves his music! If we can just get his speech/engagement where it needs to be… I can’t hardly think about it. It takes my breath how far he’s come. He still has 40 hours of ABA M-F in his home. He has Speech for one hour twice a week. Funny thing…. he recently received a new speech therapist…his name is Ryan! Cooper loves him! He goes to OT for one hour each week. He will soon begin guitar lessons. He rides his bike and simply flies up and down the sidewalk on his scooter. He loves to swing and jump on his trampoline. Loves a good day at the playground. He and Elliott are beginning to play together which is so huge for someone on the autism spectrum. Bringing them out of their worlds into ours is our total mission. He is in ours now much more than he ever has been before. Cooper’s absolute joy is from his books and his characters. Right now he loves Daniel Tiger and he’s gone back to an old favorite PJ Mask. He doesn’t like me to read them to him myself, but he sits for long spans of time in my lap and let’s me play the books as someone reads them on YouTube. You can’t understand how special that is until you’ve spent almost 7 years trying to snuggle that sweet baby and he just won’t have it. I get a stack of books and grab him and enjoy many many minutes of lap sitting, book reading as I breathe in and out his sweet smell and I’m able to give him light kiss taps on the back of his head. My most recent pure joy happened last Wednesday night after I’d given him his bath. You must understand when I see him I ask him for my kisses and he gives them. Then I ask him to give me a hug and I prod one out of him. But I must ask. They are not spontaneous. Last week when he was standing up on the bed while I was toweling him off, he all of a sudden reached and grabbed me all on his own with no prompting at all….and he put me in a huge bear hug and said “hug!” I just stood there. He didn’t let go. He held me. I couldn’t breathe…I couldn’t see…my entire heart was so full and my emotions were spilling over out of my eyes. He simply does not do that. I only wanted time to stand still and the hug to last forever. And though I thought it couldn’t, Cooper’s own little corner of my heart grew even bigger in that moment.
These are the gifts you’ve given me and Poppy, our kids, and our boys. Each time you prayed for them. Each time you bought a wristlet. Each time you bought a shirt. A butter braid. A chicken tender lunch. A raffle ticket. As of this year, Elliott no longer has any fees and requires no therapy other than speech but we know Cooper will for years to come. That’s ok. God is blessing us through these therapies. We are excited to see where He takes us on our journey.”
You got this mama 💙
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It’s like you typed exactly how I feel about my boy. Some days are really hard others aren’t. But I find myself often just upset and “saying why him” I spend nights googling and trying to find tips and advice on how to do this most nights I end up crying myself to sleep. His 6th birthday just passed and I am reminded that he can’t tell me what kind of party he wants that he doesn’t have a best friend. Then I quickly wipe my tears and know he’s so happy healthy and loved he doesn’t worry about those things like I do. Thank you for sharing it helps so much to know I’m not alone and my feelings are valid and normal.
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