Please don’t take this post the wrong way. I always fear things I write will be misconstrued… but I am so frustrated at autism. I’m frustrated at it for taking so much away. I am also thankful for it and what it has brought. Autism is a challenge, a struggle. It’s a blessing, an answer.
It has made me question and closely monitor every milestone London hits. Every thing she does and every thing she doesn’t do. She’s fussy; could it be sensory related? She’s not sleeping; googles early signs of autism. She cries when someone sneezes; is that normal? I should NOT have to question all of this. But I do.
That’s what frustrates me so much about autism. I hate it for the way it makes me constantly on edge, and I love it for the tremendous appreciation it has brought me. It’s SO WEIRD how you can have such extreme feelings for something.
I hate that it controls our life even when I don’t want to let it. I hate that I have to say no to friends and things that I would love to do but I know would be too hard. I hate that every single day I find myself jealous of a stranger, a best friend, or even a person on TV, for having a conversation with their child that right now I can only dream of. I hate that it doesn’t get any easier, and I hate the curve balls it throws at you.
We’re currently being hit with some of those curve balls. Channing is going through some challenges that directly effect our daily life and make normal/simple things really hard. Without going into a ton of detail, a lot of it has to do with separation anxiety/obsessive behaviors in addition to some sensory behaviors. We’re trying our best to navigate this and do all we can to help him. It’s just SO HARD and I’m so tired. I want to feel like I have a grasp on things and just when I do, the rug is pulled out from under me. I shouldn’t complain. Things can ALWAYS be worse. I would just love to get past this and have my happy boy back. I know we will get there. And when we do, we can get back to focusing on that conversation I’ve waited so long to have.
Parents want what is best for their child. I just wish so badly he could tell me why he is upset, and let me fix it. That’s what we do as parents… we make the hurt go away. We kiss the boo-boos. But I have nothing to mend because I have no clue what the problem is. It’s devastating to me. But as I’m constantly learning, autism will always be a challenge and there are going to be things I can’t simply “fix.” And if you are reading this one day, my sweet boy, I hope you know mama tried. Mama is ALWAYS trying and you and your sister’s happiness and well-being will always be my top priority, forever.
channing's joy 
This too will pass. But I vote for passing quickly. It is hard, SO hard seeing him so upset and anxiety-ridden and NEEDING to make it better and we cant. I feel the urge to say “hang in there” but that’s so unnecessary because you are ALWAYS there for him. And I see in that smile when he pulls your face close to his, that he knows it too.
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Hi. My name is Rucio and I also have a 3 year old boy on the spectrum💙 I don’t even know how I got to your page but I am so glad I did. I have been following you for over a year and love reading your quotes and also understand how you feel💙 Sending love & prayers💙 We got this and more💙
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The absolute best mama to the sweetest boy in the world! You amaze me at how great of a mama you are and how well you handle all that this journey throws your way. I know it’s not always easy, but you do so much for him and I know he knows it. He’s loves you so much and so do I!
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Love reading about you, Channing and the family. Miss you all! I had a friend share an article from a site that got me reading several. I don’t know if it will be at all helpful but in case it is I wanted to share.
https://www.ageofautism.com/a-welcome-from-dan-olmste.html
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Lauren, You are a wonderful Mom! Channing and London are so blessed that God chose you to be their Mom.As a Mom, I too am dealing with a child who struggles to communicate,it is heartbreaking.We cannot dwell on what we cannot change but remember With God all things are possible.I am praying that one day Channing will be able to communicate with you and Chad.He is a precious child.I love you all with all my ❤️Ma
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Thank you for sharing so others can include you in our prayers. God knows. He listens even when we don’t know the words to pray. Your son and daughter are blessed that you are their mom
Terrie Kingsmore
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Lauren,
Thank you for sharing your and Chad’s life with Channing and London, and for honesty expressing your journey. I can’t imagine the swing of pure joy one moment and then the extreme frustration – almost simultaneously. And especially when you can’t ‘fix things’ for Channing. There is no way your message should be taken the wrong way.
I just wrapped my weekly Life Group from Forest Hill Church and we are studying Acts and were talking about how so many early Christians were persecuted and mistreated. But in that persecution, they also rejoiced… not that they were happy about their struggles but that they praised God for being with them and for allowing them to know that that they would be with Him in heaven when their life ended.
It’s clear that you and Chad have the strength and the love to handle the challenge of autism. Please don’t misconstrue my message either because I am very proud of the way you both have risen to the occasion and for the home that you provide Channing and London. You are all loved by your family and we are proud of your journey. I just wish we could make it easier for all of you.
Pete
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I’m holding you and your entire family in my heart and prayers. I’m thinking of that special boy at Christmas time and your precious London and their sweet faces. I read what you shared and hope you know just how special you are sharing your heart and feelings so openly. You sweet girl are the wonderful gift in Channing’s and London’s life. Both you and Chad are so very special, very strong and very loved by your family, extended family and friends. Know there are many who hold you up and love you❤️
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Thanks for sharing your feelings as raw as they are. I have a son in the pre-diagnosis phase already enrolled in speech and ABA. He has some words but nowhere near where he’s “supposed” to be. We just recently moved to a new house and idk if one has to do with the other but his mood swings and meltdowns have been insane. It’s really starting to affect me. Minutes before I typed this I was sobbing on the couch trying to calm him. It’s so hard when they can’t tell you how they feel or understand what you are trying to explain. Once they hit that point of a meltdown it feels like there’s no getting out of it. Then all of a sudden they’re laughing and playing and the emotional rollercoaster starts again. I hope that your situation gets better with each day. I’ll pray for your family. This too shall pass…
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This post is so real and I imagine for parents on a similar journer, a comfort for them to know these feelings of frustration are normal and expected. Praying that this particularly tough phase passes for Channing and all of you.
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I will be praying for you and your dear family. I hope my prayer will help. God’s peace to you this night. Thank you for sharing. Your Mom’s friend, Margaret Riley
Sent from my iPad
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My arms are around you. Please keep sharing.
Much love, Ginger
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Reading your blog post makes me feel like I’m not alone. My little boy sounds so much like Channing and I can honestly feel the emotions you have. Taking 3 steps forward and 5 back never gets easier but holding onto the good days is what we live for. Only the best moms get to be autism moms 💙
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Such a sweet and thoughtful post. Praying for you to get past this hurdle and get things back on an even keel. God bless you and your beautiful family!
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I pray for you every day and I know these are some hard times, but we are all so blessed to have Channing and Lolo in our family. God knew what he was doing when he made you their mother. Channing is so lucky to have you for his “Mama” and Chad for his “Da”. You are both AWESOME PARENTS! When you’re feeling down I know what brings you back up, it’s that beautiful smile, which is simply the BEST!
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