Life Lately

Whoa, it has been a while since I’ve blogged! Here’s a little chaotic update on our life lately.

I was feeling so good sharing our story and had plans for all sorts of blog posts… and then we were given a big surprise; I found out I was pregnant! We were shocked and excited, while simultaneously being scared and nervous. Will Channing be ok? Will he understand? Will he think we’ve replaced him? And, to be completely honest, will this baby also have autism? How will we handle two? But, of course, we were also so thankful for this little blessing. I kept thinking… “I will blog this week!” Then I just didn’t have the motivation. I didn’t know what to say and felt like in any down time, I should be focusing on Channing. After all, my attention would soon be split in half.

Then the pandemic hit. Our routine was completely turned upside down (as it has for everyone). We went from having ABA therapy 5 days a week in the clinic with multiple therapists, to 5 days a week in-home with one therapist. Channing actually really enjoyed the change at first and loved being home all day with his toys. We really don’t go out much anyway, so this wasn’t a huge change. The pandemic has been hard on everyone, so I won’t complain too much about it here. We ALL have struggled with this and I pray life gets back to “normal” soon.

Over the last few months, Channing has had a ton of great progress and gained several new sounds and echoics! He repeats a handful of words like: ma for mama, da for dada, eyes, car, go, no, hi, done and up. He makes lots of new sounds and can imitate many sounds when asked. In January, he said his first word: “bye bye.” That moment will forever be one of the happiest of my life. (See video) He doesn’t say bye bye much right now, but can say the “ba” sound. Possibly the most exciting is how well he follows instructions! He can do many things we prompt him to do which is awesome and so helpful. He has also been working on potty training and is doing great. It is definitely a process and nothing happens overnight, but we are always SO PROUD of every little achievement.

Leading up to the arrival of his baby sister, we continued to talk to him about the baby in mama’s belly, and have him kiss “the baby”. It felt like anytime we’d see people they would ask “is Channing excited to be a big brother?” I always just smiled and said, “yeah, I think so!” But really, I had (and still have) no clue. Is he excited? Does he even realize I’m pregnant? It breaks my heart that he couldn’t tell me if he wanted a little sister or a brother, or what he’d like to name the baby. I don’t know, and may never know the answer to those questions.

We welcomed our baby girl, London, on June 24. She’s perfect and precious and her big brothers’ twin. We know God planned for us to have this little blessing all along and can’t wait to watch her grow. She is everything we never knew we needed. In the hospital it felt like every nurse would ask if big brother couldn’t wait for little sister to come home. Chad and I just looked at each other and would give a slight smile and say “yeah, I think he’s excited.” I mean, what do you say? It’s a completely normal and appropriate question for someone to ask. But every time we heard it, it was like pouring salt into the wound.

We were so nervous to bring her home. We knew going from one to two was going to be an adjustment, but we also had no clue how Channing would react. We walked through the door with London in her car seat. We both loved all over Channing and then told him to come meet his baby sister. He looked in the carrier and immediately bent down and gently kissed her on the head and then went back to jumping around. I stood there in complete shock, crying. Channing’s therapist was even crying. It was so unexpected, but so beautiful. God was completely in control of that moment. He knew we needed a sign that things would be ok, and there it was.

We’re slowly adjusting to life as a family of four. Channing doesn’t pay London much attention but he doesn’t mind her being around. If we are holding her and ask him to give her a kiss, he will. He doesn’t have any interest in holding her or hearing her cry (ha!). He hasn’t responded negatively in any way, and we are so very thankful for that. He always takes everything we throw at him and completely surprises us!

Lately, the postpartum hormones have been no joke. I think the pandemic makes it even worse because I’m nervous to be around people so we don’t leave the house much. Somedays I’m able to be so positive, and then other days I venture down the rabbit hole of “what will the future look like?” Mainly, I’m just struggling with the thought of Channing and London getting older. Will I obsess over every milestone London does or doesn’t hit at the “appropriate” time? Will Channing be able to ever go to a “regular” school? I have to remind myself often to not think about the “what if’s” and to focus on the present.

It’s hard as I see all of the kids going “back to school.” I see signs that say “I want to be a ____ when I grow up” and “my favorite color is ____”. I have to push down the lump in my throat. I want to know what my little boy wants to be. I’d love to know his favorite color. I’d give anything to ask a question and get an answer from him. I am hopeful that one day we will. But even if we don’t, I know Channing will give us something completely unexpected but totally needed… like when he kissed his baby sister that we weren’t even sure he knew existed.