autism

Our Truth

by laurensflack

I have written this in my head so many times, yet I still don’t know where to begin.  Forgive me if this bounces ALL over the place.  I’ve gone back and forth over whether or not to tell our story… because it’s just that, it’s OUR story and do I really want strangers to know my business? Everyone is living their own story… why should I share ours?  Will anyone even want to read it? After googling more than I want to admit and trying desperately to find someone who can truly relate, I’ve realized; how can I expect someone to put themselves out there if I’m not able to do the same? I have a wonderful group of friends and family that desperately want to help and be there for us. But how can you expect someone to understand something they have never lived? I’m hoping if I put our truth into words I can at least shine a small light on our lives and maybe even help a few people along the way.

Let me first start by saying I know others are living harder lives than us.  I know other families have bigger struggles and I am by NO MEANS saying, “feel sorry for us.” I just want people to understand OUR truth.  I want them to know and love Channing for exactly who he is and to do that, they must know ALL of him. 

Okay, so we should probably start at the beginning.  Actually, no.  I don’t want to go back to the beginning (I’ll write it all out here one day, when I’m ready).  The fact of the matter is, one day Channing was waving and saying “mama” and “dada” and “bubbles” and then the next day (not really that quickly but it felt like it was overnight) he would barely look at us.  He seemed to play alone a lot and stopped waving, or saying any words.  He still babbled.  He has always babbled.  He has his own little language that we love SO much.  His little cousins have even adapted some of his babbles and repeat them back to him and he thinks it is hilarious!  Thank you, Lord, for that sweet babbling language.

I sit here writing this in our old neighborhood.  I came here because we have so many memories of Channing’s first two years here in this little village.  Across from me is a grandma with her granddaughter sitting beside of her… she’s probably Channing’s age.  She’s just sitting there with her grandma having a sweet conversation.  The kind the grandma will likely cherish and the little girl will never remember.  I can’t help but be so jealous and I want to just walk up to that grandma and tell her how lucky she is.  I am sure she knows she is lucky.  She has a beautiful, sweet, granddaughter and a family who shares this little girl with her.  But all I see is a toddler sitting on a bench and having a conversation.  Channing never sits (and I know that’s common with 3-year-olds and especially boys) and that’s okay.  He is full of energy! But if there is something I want more than anything (besides my son to always be happy and healthy) is to have a conversation with my little boy.  To hear his thoughts.  To know what he thinks about that big great dane sitting on the ground across from me.  To know if he is hungry, or thirsty, or if his tummy hurts.  To know if he wants to go to the park (which he probably always does!) or to know if he just wants to sit at home and watch Peppa Pig.  To know how his day at therapy was, did he have fun? Did he play with friends? What are his friend’s names? Did one of his friends have a party and they got to all eat cupcakes?  Yes, his teachers can tell me these things but I want to hear how HE would tell me.  Children see the world in such a different way than adults.  They say the cutest things and their little hearts are so beautiful and innocent.  Instead, we have to watch our little boy and just wonder.  I know he loves to watch the leaves blow in the wind, and watch/feel water flowing.  He loves to examine rocks, spoons, and forks.  He lives in his own little world a lot of the time, and it seems to be a happy and fun place that makes him laugh a LOT (which I am SO grateful for).  I remember saying to a therapist when we first started the process of his diagnosis; “I know he’s in his own little world, and that’s okay, I don’t need him to leave that world if he doesn’t want to.  I just want him to let me in to it with him.” I still feel that way.  I don’t want to change him.  I don’t want to “fix” him because I don’t think he needs fixing.  I just desperately want him to let me into his world and we can live there together.  Daddy can come too.

So I know I’ve jumped around a lot… but that’s kind of what our life is like and I’m trying to keep it real.  You’re probably really confused, so let me just say the words I know you’ve been waiting to hear.  Channing, our 3-year-old angel, was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder on August 27, 2018.  I will always remember that day. Chad was unfortunately out of town for work.  I cried for at least 23 of those 24 hours.  I was so angry and so sad.  I still am a lot of the time.  I’m working on that.  That’s what I guess I am saying is “our truth.”  Our truth is that we have a beautiful, perfect little boy who is currently non-verbal with ASD.  That’s just the truth… but the rest of the story is still being written and I know God makes no mistakes. I just don’t want to hide anymore.  I feel like I’m lying to the world and hiding who he truly is. I am not ashamed of him. I am so proud of him. I don’t want to label him.  I don’t want people feeling sorry for us or for him.  I don’t want him to be judged.  But I do want the world to see how wonderfully made this little boy is.  He teaches us every day to love the littlest of things… like a spoon, spatula, or a simple rock.  As soon as something has dirt on it, he wants to wash it off and make it clean again.  Heck, I guess that’s what I want to do too. I want to take the word AUTISM and wash off all the dirt or negative connotations and make it clean, happy and full of strengths.  Just like my little boy. 

43 thoughts on “Our Truth”

  3. 💙💙💙 Thank you for sharing your story with us. Parents like you will definitely change any negativity associated with the word Autism. He’s the perfect little guy with the most amazing smile (but you already knew that)!

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  5. God Bless your always🙏
    You are very courageous to share your story and it will make someone life a little sweeter 🙏

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  6. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Your words and truth are so powerful. I hope to remember what I just read everyday! Every child has something to teach us and I hope I never get to forget to stop and learn! You are an amazing mom!

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  7. Lauren, i admire you so much. I know and have felt the love you have for Channing, heck, i love him too because of the way you have described him to me. You are an amazing mom and kuddos to you for having the strength to share YOUR story. I know somewhere and in some way this will help a mom out there that is struggling to see the light after just hearing about her child’s diagnosis! You are a light and i am very honored to know you! I hope I get to meet that sweet boy of yours someday! Until then, i pray you will ALWAYS feel the love of God wrapping you tight and the wisdom to know that you and Channing are so deeply loved by HIM!

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  8. This, these words, your bravery, your honesty is what brings light and understanding for you and others. God knew you and Chad would be the perfect parents for sweet Channing! He knows YOU are capable because YOU know with God all things are possible! We are not meant to go through life alone and I believe God will provide a tribe of support for you, Chad and Channing! You sure do have a precious boy!

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  9. I think of you and Chad every time I see his picture show up on my feed. I wonder how you’re doing, I wonder how he’s doing. I think back to my friend a Karl when his son was diagnosed, I watched Kevin progress every year and celebrated his milestones. He drove off to college in Georgia this year. So many emotions to process. We all have a place that God has assigned to us. We wouldn’t like the world if we were all the same. Each flower is beautiful in the place God has planted it. I cannot begin to imagine what you feel and how you long to hear his voice and I pray for you that day when the words come tumbling out so fast you can’t catch them all. I thank God for the parents you both are, the wonderful support system God has surrounded you with and especially for all that Channing is teaching everyone who comes in contact with him. We all have a lot to learn from him. God’s faithfulness, his perfect will for us, his timing and his joy. He loves us more than we can imagine and he gives us each the perfect gift for us. The joy in that child’s eyes gives us a glimpse of pure, innocent child like faith and we can peer into heaven. I love you dear. I keep your family in my prayers.

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  10. You are An amazing Mom and Channing is beyond blessed to have you and Chad as parents. Just as Yal are blessed by precious Channing who is wonderfully and sweetly made! Xo

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  11. Both of you are blessed beyond measure! Channing for having you and his dad, and you for having him! Proud of you, friend. I know God has big plans for your family and hold onto that truth in sad moments. Praying big for you as you navigate this journey!!

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  12. We all have a story. So proud of you to break down that wall and share yours. Channing is beautiful and you are amazing! Much love

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  13. Lauren, I am so proud of you. You are an amazing woman, full of grace and strength. You are the perfect mommy for your beautiful, PERFECT little boy. Thank you for sharing. That little boy actually has a lot to say, and it sounds like you are hearing him very well! Love you!❤

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  14. Channing is precious and so are you!!! He is blessed to have you and you are blessed to have him. This blog will inspire and uplift others. It’s easy to paint a perfect facebook picture of our lives but it takes a lot of courage to reveal our “truths.” AND…..we all have “truths”. Keep being the fabulous mom that you are!!!

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  16. I love this. You are a wonderful young lady and I can feel all the love you have for your family. Thank you for being you and brave to be vulnerable. Love you sweet friend.

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  17. What a beautiful story about a precious little boy. You are a brave and loving Mother. I know God is with you, Chad and Channing.Channing is so special and Blessed to have you as his Mommy and Dr. Pat to share his life. Prayers for your sweet family.

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  18. Hi, Lauren. Thank you for sharing. Channing is precious and beautiful. I know it’s not easy receiving that diagnoses. My little boy (now 8) also has autism and just so you know, you are not alone.
    I don’t know if you remember me or not but YEARS ago I used to help out your mom’s practice by running errands and such. Anyway, I wanted to make that connection so you wouldn’t think I was just a crazy random person offering unsolicited information/advice. With that being said: (ha!)
    This website (posted below) has an amazing video that is great to show to…ANYONE. It’s the explanation of autism targeted to raise awareness among young non-autistic audiences to encourage understanding and acceptance.
    http://amazingthingshappen.tv/
    It might be tough but please feel free to reach out to me if you’d like. I too have had feelings of jealously and general sadness when I notice typically developing activities going on. For me, I can’t say those feelings have subsided much but loving my boy is easy.
    I have a ton of resources and references if you’re interested. I’m also a good listener if you’d just like to vent to a parent that can truly relate to your situation.
    Best wishes to you and your beautiful family!

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    1. Thank you, Becky! I do remember you 🙂 I will check out that website tonight. It sounds awesome. The jealousy feeling makes me sad because I hate to feel jealous, but I’m really trying to work on that and so much more! I’d love to chat with you sometime.

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  19. He is a precious little boy with so many people who love him. You are embracing him for what he is and what makes him special! I’m sure the road is long and scary with so many unknowns but the fact that you and Chad are goin to love him and do right by him is never in question. Thanks for sharing your story. I’ve only taught a few children with an official diagnosis of Austism but all of them have stayed in my heart. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  20. Your cousin Morgan shared this with me. I also have a fabulous little 3 year old boy with autism. I relate so much to what you have written. It truly is a roller coaster of emotions. I do think sharing with others can help change the world. Those on the autism spectrum have so much to offer. ❤️

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  21. Thank you for sharing Channing’s story! I know he is a Very loved little boy!! I feel honored to be able to follow the story of Channing!💙

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  22. Pingback: Mom: a work in progress – channing's joy

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